Final Blog Post

 What are some ways death can bring the living together?

This question is especially hard for me, but I wanted to express my thoughts anyway. My grandmother has been the pillar of our family for as long as I can remember. She was the host of all our family gatherings, the mediator in disagreements, and the doting grandma always ready with chocolate chip waffles and fudge sickles. She was diagnosed with cancer about two years ago.  As she has been sick, entered remission, and gotten sick again, our family has had to put away some long standing issues to gather for her sake. Some joke that their family is “dysfunctional”, but I’m not sure I can even convey fairly the kind of struggles we have been through (or are still in the middle of). While her diagnosis of 1-6 months to live has not erased any of the issues in our family, we have all tried our very best to let these issues take the back burner and enjoy our time together for her. I can say that this last Thanksgiving, which will be our last with her, was absolutely perfect. I can’t remember another holiday (except for being a child) that I enjoyed so much. It sounds backwards even to me that this holiday would be enjoyable with her being so ill, but it was so nice to see everyone getting along and my grandmother so happy.

Week 9

“It’s a bias some also see in substandard conditions at nursing homes, in pension-plan cutbacks by employers, in the relative invisibility of the elderly on television shows and in advertisements.”  This rang especially true for me. I took a CNA course last year and the end of the class was two weeks of clinical studies at a local long term care facility. I am sure I don’t have to explain in much detail why it was so hard to do. If you have spent any time at one of these facilities you understand the challenges that the residents face. They are mistreated, ignored, and rarely visited by friends or family. I feel that all of these challenges need to be wiped completely away, but the question of “how?’ still remains.

 “What makes me mad is how aging, in our language and culture, is equated with deterioration and impairment,” Palmore said. “I don’t know how we’re going to root that out, except by making people more aware of it.”  This is absolutely true to me. Aging is never presented as positive progression, growth, and a gain of wisdom. It is portrayed as diminishing mental and physical capacity, impaired hearing and bladder control, and lack of understanding. I believe(just like many things in the past that have been given the short end of the media stick) these stereotypes and displays should be removed from our society. My generation may have different (sometimes very different!) views on certain subjects and ideals, but that does not equate to mental deterioration and impaired judgment, due to age anyway :0). We need to take care of our older generation with respect, love and an understanding that they don’t have to slow down and sit down simply because they are aging.

“One can say unequivocally that older people are getting smarter, richer and healthier as time goes on,” Palmore said. “I’ve dedicated most of my life to combating ageism, and it’s tempting for me to see it everywhere. ... But I have faith that as science progresses, and reasonable people get educated about it, we will come to recognize ageism as the evil it is.”  This man is a great motivation. He embraces his age and experience and refuses to let anyone get away with putting him, or others, down because of their age.

Parenting

“Six months after the birth of their first child, both men and women with larger Partner/Lover pieces have higher self esteem and less parent stress. This could mean that when parents resist the tendency to ignore their relationship as a couple, they feel better about themselves and less stressed as parents. “

This quote was in relation to the ‘pie’ couples drew out expressing which activities they felt themselves the most consumed by. Among the options were parent, worker, lover etc. The study suggests that couples that ignore their relationship and the lover/partner part of themselves, the more tension and parenting stress they must combat. I think it is extremely important continue working on and being an active part of your relationship after you have a child. There is always going to be conflict and differing opinions (especially on child care), but continuing to nourish a healthy spousal relationship can only help you handle those conflicts in a healthier way. Children do not suffer from their parents taking 30 minutes to an hour once or twice a week to reconnect, but I believe they do suffer when parents neglect that responsibility and let their relationship get eaten up by fatigue, tension, and often times, resentment.

Divorce

“They're gun-shy. The slightest conflict sends them running. Expecting disaster, they create disaster.”

My parents had a rocky marriage from the very beginning. My father was 20 and my mother ws 17 when they found out she was pregnant with my oldest brother. They married soon after and did their best to continue on the way they were taught to be the best. My father worked and my mother stayed home and had three more children(my two older brothers and myself). A number of challenging things happen throughout their marriage, but the death of my one of my brothers caused by SIDS was one of the marriage altering situations. After that, my parents drifted further and further apart, joined by anger, animosity, and confusion. As we all grew older, we watched them argue more and enjoy each other less. When I was twelve they told us they were getting divorced. I can’t speak to what psychological effects it has had on me, but I can say that the problems I would have encountered if they stayed unhappily married would have affected me more. I know that every family goes through their own struggles and has to handle them their own way- whether that be divorce or sticking it out. For me and my family, I believe my parents made the right choice and made a point to work together and keep the children of the situation as informed as possible.

On the negative side, the above quote from the article very much rings true for me. I do not enter into relationships very easily, nor do I see them lasting. This could be due to my personality, their divorce, or countless other reasons though. I feel that divorce should never be a lightly made decision- just as marriage should not be.